A SIMPLE COMPUTER PROBLEM?

My grateful thanks to a friend for sending me the following post. When making your way to Open Houses or for holidays, please drive safely. Have a nice day everyone. Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

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"Technical Support, how can I help you?"

FEMALE CALLER: "Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noises at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing."

TECH SUPPORT: "I will have a technician come over first thing this morning. Leave the computer just like it is, so they can find the problem and fix it, or change it out with another computer. Give me your address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as he can."

When the technician got there, the lady showed him where the computer was, said what happened to it, and this is what the technician found wrong ....

Take a look at the pictures... YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES....

And you thought YOU had computer problems!!!

The technician told her,... "it must have been after the mouse!"

The woman didn't think that was funny at all!


Computer Repair

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

Caller: Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? ... Printers don't have mouse!!!

Caller: Mmmmmm?? ... Oh really? ... I'll send you a picture ...

Hilarious Letter to CEO

The following letter is fictitious. I am posting if for anyone suffering from Monday blues and also for the sake of humor. No offense to anyone! Take care and have a nice day! Cheers!

Microsoft's Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after receiving a letter from Mr Banta Singh.

To: Bill Gates, Microsoft
From: Banta Singh of Punjab, India
Date: 1 April 2009
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice..

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this 'find button', but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learn 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft Sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'My Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about ' Microsoft Home' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provide 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.


Regards,
Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates

P.S. "Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?"

You HAVE to Listen!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'

 

 

'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

 

 

 'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, ,meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

Just kidding - I put this up for the sake of humor. Have a pleasant day, everyone!

A Man, A Woman and the ATM

No offense to anyone. :-) Am posting this for the sake of humor and also Saturday madness. Take care and have a great day!

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************************************

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back-up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up....
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.....
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone...
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it .... they need a laugh, too!

THE MOUSE - FOR WOMEN ONLY :-)

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs. Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion it is more of a psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse "just didn't feel right" in their hands.

Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design.

Julie from Hounslow said, "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'

Susan from Chelmsford added, 'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right with my lifestyle.'

Hillary from Kent said, 'I took it like a duck to water, every women should have one!'

Sally from London said, "It feels so natural."

Have a nice day everyone! Cheers!

NEW RULES FOR THE WORK PLACE

I hope this will jump start your morning! Shhh! Don't laugh too loudly later ok? Have a great week! Do swing by later for the next post. Thanks!

__________________________________________

To all Employees

Effective 1st September 2010

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If wee see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage you money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead friends, relatives and co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use *Smiles*

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

No matter what, you must NOT ...

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!:-)


Posted for humor and not to insult anyone. My apologies if anyone finds this offensive.

What Job Adverts Really Mean :-)

Advertisements tend to make jobs appear more attractive that what they are in reality. Here is a list of what could be the hidden messages posted just for laughs so please do not take this seriously. Take care, smile a lot and have a nice day!

"Competitive Salary" means we remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company" i.e. We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere" also means we don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required" means some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary" i.e. to say anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail" could be saying we have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded" could be a sexiest slant meaning female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person" could mean that if you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" means you'll need in to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must" could hint that you're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills" that is to say you'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills" could means that when the management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Cheers everyone!

The A to Z of Marital Humor

Try this one ... the A - Z to arouse your wife's attention  ... or suspicion....

A Act stupid in front of her while she's watching her favorite TV program
B Behave like you're the housemaid
C Call her sweetheart every 5 minutes for no reason
D Dress like Valentino when you said you're going to the doctor's
E Eat food that you've always hated or had never eaten before
F Forget her birthday (and you die ....)
G Give free evening math tuition to the foxy neighbor
H Hand her $10,000 and whisper, "Happy Birthday" when it is not
I I'm tired ... some other night, sweetheart?
J Just stare at her when she's doing her make-up
K Kiss her toes when she's polishing her finger nails
L Last minute company meeting .... "I won't be home till 4 a.m."
M Make her feel like she's Miss Universe
N Nibble at her ear while she's washing clothes
O Offer to help the foxy neighbor fix her "plumbing problem".
P Pass the wrong remarks about the mother-in-law's table manners
Q Question her "extravagant" shopping when she just got home with 5 giant shopping bags
R Request for Chubb Safe key
S Sneak out when you thought she's asleep
T Tell her she's fat when she's talking to foxy neighbor at the lift
U Use her toiletries without her permission
V Voice your true opinion about her hair style/color
W Walk the dog at 3 a.m. every night
X Xtra-ordinary expenses on credit card statement
Y Young and sexy voice on the phone saying, "Wrong Number" always

And finally ....

Z Zip your mouth when she asks you "When is our wedding anniversary?"

Have a nice day everyone!

UNDERSTANDING MEN AND WOMEN:-)

To all women: On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

*The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

*Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

*When watching TV, hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

*When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

*If you need me with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

*If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

*If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

*I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

*Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

*Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

*If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

*I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

*Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

__________________________________________

The Female Stages of Life

Favorite drink:
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for refusing dates:
Age 17: Need to wash my hair
Age 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
Age 35: Need to color my hair
Age 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
Age 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite sport:
Age 17: Shopping
Age 25: Shopping
Age 35: Shopping
Age 48: Shopping
Age 66: Shopping

Definition of successful date:
Age 17: "Burger King"
Age 25: "Free meal"
Age 35: "A diamond"
Age 48: "A bigger diamond"
Age 66: "Home Alone"

Favorite fantasy:
Age 17: tall, dark and handsome
Age 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
Age 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
Age 48: a man with hair (preferably not on back)
Age 66: a man

Pet:
Age 17: Muffy the cat
Age 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
Age 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
Age 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
Age 66: Retired husband dabbles is taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

Ideal age for marriage:
Age 17: 17
Age 25: 25
Age 35: 35
Age 48: 48
Age 66: 66

Ideal date:
Age 17: He offers to pay
Age 25: He pays
Age 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
Age 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
Age 66: He can chew breakfast

Keep smiling and have a lovely evening!

Frequently, Infrequently or In-Frequently?

An elderly couple, who had long lost their spouses, had been going out with each other for a longtime. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently', she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, thought long and hard, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'is that one word or two?'

*Posted for humor and not to insult or offend anyone.

Have a nice day everyone! Keep smiling and do swing by later for the next post. Cheers!

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

How To Live Stresslessly....

I hope this post will make you smile and have a happy start to the new day! Take care and enjoy life and all that it offers us...cheers!

How To Live Stresslessly.... 

1. Chances are - If you think that a woman is beautiful, she will always have a husband, or a boy-friend - to prove it!

2. Chances are - The more beautiful a woman is, the greater the chances that, she may dump you!

3. Chances are - The more make-up a woman wears - she may look proportionately uglier!

4. Chances are - The man standing next to a beautiful woman and chatting with her, may not be her brother!

5. Chances are - if the woman who you like, likes you back, she may let you know about her interest in you, after you are married to another lady!

6. Chances are - The more you ignore a woman, the more she would be interested in you!

7. Chances are - The more you chase a woman, the faster she would run away from you!

8. Chances are - The more you like a woman, the more her father will dislike you!

9. Chances are - the number of bullets in the gun owned by the father of a woman you like, maybe directly proportional to the extent of your interest in her daughter!

10. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her  friend will come and meet her!

11. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend who comes to meet her, will be a handsome and very exciting male hunk!

12. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you are most badly dressed!

13. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day, you forgot to brush your teeth!

14. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to wear body deodorant!

15. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have an itch problem!

16. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have a gas problem in your tummy!

17. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you ex-girl friend comes to re-concile with you!

18. Only 35% of the women in this world are supposed to be beautiful. Chances are that, it is only the balance 65%, who may be in your company!

Hope you had a good laugh..... 

WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS WOMEN?

My note titled WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN? generated a lot of interest and debate so to be fair, I am posting this one just for laughs. Again no offense meant to any women! Smile a lot and have a lovely day!

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask question that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling quilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear the same thing twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility.

Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?".

The average numbers of items in a typical woman bathroom is 437. A man would only be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?".

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

The good girls keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.

When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look: then, if they like what they see, they listen.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknessess, women for their strenghts.

Being a parent is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love; which includes not only others but ourselves as well.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.

Have a nice day and keep smiling!

It all began with an iPhone ....

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?.

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
 

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started.....

Thanks to Freddie who shared some of his ideas for this joke. It was meant for Friday but I accidentally clicked publish instead of schedule posts.  Have a pleasant evening!